You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
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Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay