1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
oh shit
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂