I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
all bases covered
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”