My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I don’t know what to do
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Two types of dogs.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.