Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down