My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.