This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
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[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.