Finally a use for spoilers…
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Webb. James Webb.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.