Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
You Might Also Like
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Usage Guidelines
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building