Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
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*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.