Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*