Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor