[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
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My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I don’t think my car can fly