secret recipe
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Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.