BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
What my back needs
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.