Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.