a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
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Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target