Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
🍞🦆
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Match dot com, but for socks.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex