Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season