Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
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Morning.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”