I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Did my cat write this
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!