Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Yup
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.