fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.