“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
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lmfao
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.