“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
i made a craigslist ad !
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I am never leaving this website
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting