I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
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I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Meow
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen