Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.