The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.