Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee