ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.