It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
You Might Also Like
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?