If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
me doing my best
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock