I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
listen closely
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“