“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”