If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”