In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If you’re happy and you know it…
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