If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
You Might Also Like
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Fidel Castro was alive?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
SCARY COSTUME
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Harsh but fair
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.