we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Feels like the fourth month in January
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.