Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
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#ProTip
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
guilty
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef