I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
You Might Also Like
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Harsh but fair
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*