Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
You Might Also Like
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The real reason evolution started..😂
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.