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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Midwest trash talk
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.