One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
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I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right