Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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Jail
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Pickled cat.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.