If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
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sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?