a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
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The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.