My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
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Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I feel attacked.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop