Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.