I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason