These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer